So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
