i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
