Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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