i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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