just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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