And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
