i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
