Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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