I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
