he thought i was a dude.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
