I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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