God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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