So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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