a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
