evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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