remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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