In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
