i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
