it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
