When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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