so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
