..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
