So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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