White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You ate ashes out of my bong
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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