you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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