apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She bit a glass in half.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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