Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
