DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
