Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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