just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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