College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
