I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
