You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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