hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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