I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
