it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
