I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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