i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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