DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
