Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
