He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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