Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
