I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
