The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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