WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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