You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
