I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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