I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
