How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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