The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
