after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
