By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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